Understanding the Impact of Attachment Personally and Professionally

 

While I have been in the mental health field for over 15 years, I am always brought back to a statement that one of my instructors made. “You don’t know what you don’t know you don’t know.” It may help to read it out loud to get the full impact. After taking countless hours of classes, workshops, and training, I keep this in mind each time I approach a new situation. This was especially important when someone I was working with adamantly stated how important the foundation of attachment is on people’s emotions, thoughts, and reactions. Even more striking was their insight into how their own early experiences have influenced them throughout their life.

This led me on a personal and professional journey to review the concept of attachment, and also how to attend to attachment wounds that people have experienced. To say that it is a complicated concept, is minimizing things. As you read the following information, consider your early relationships with caregivers, extended family members, friends, teachers, and others in your life. Then consider how those attachments led to future attachments and so on throughout your life. How have your early experiences contributed to your understanding of nurturance, safety, love, and support?

What is attachment?

John Bowlby was a prominent British psychologist and psychiatrist who is well known for his idea of attachment. Per Bowlby, attachment is a biologically programmed system that serves to ensure a child’s survival by keeping them close to a caregiver who provides safety and care. He viewed attachment as a primary motivational system that influences behavior and emotional development. The main premise is that 1) attachment is a lasting emotional bond; 2) attachment is crucial for survival; 3) attachment behaviors are activated during times of distress; and 4) attachment influences emotional, social, and cognitive development which impacts relationships with others during adulthood. As indicated by his theory, attachments develop during childhood and continue to impact a person throughout their life. Below are different types of attachments.

Secure Attachment – Children with secure attachment feel safe and comforted by their caregivers. They show distress when separated but are easily comforted upon reunion. These children typically explore their environment confidently, knowing they can rely on their caregivers for safety and support. Adults with secure attachment styles tend to have healthy, stable relationships. They are comfortable with intimacy and independence.

Insecure-Avoidant Attachment – Children with avoidant attachment often avoid or ignore their caregivers, showing little to no preference between a caregiver and a stranger. They do not seek comfort from their caregivers when distressed, often becoming self-reliant. Adults with avoidant attachment tend to have difficulty with intimacy and may suppress emotions. They can be uncomfortable relying on others or being relied upon.

Insecure-Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment – Children with ambivalent attachment are highly distressed when separated from their caregivers and have difficulty calming down even when the caregiver returns. They may exhibit clinginess and uncertainty about their caregiver’s availability. Adults with anxious attachment often seek high levels of intimacy and approval from partners but can be very fearful of rejection. They may become overly dependent on others and have difficulty trusting that their needs will be met.

Disorganized Attachment – Children with disorganized attachment exhibit inconsistent and erratic behavior toward their caregivers. They may approach their caregiver but also show fear or confusion. This style often arises from abuse or neglect, leading the child to be unsure about the caregiver’s role. Adults with disorganized attachment may have difficulty managing relationships, often displaying contradictory behaviors. They may feel unworthy of love and struggle with emotional regulation.

What are attachment wounds?

Attachment wounds occur when early bonds between children and their caregivers are broken, neglected or inconsistent. When these types of interactions happen consistently they shape our understanding of relationships, internal and external beliefs, and emotional responses throughout our life.

Signs of attachment wounds:

There are several ways to identify attachment wounds. Some include the following:

• Affect dysregulation
• Core sense of defectiveness or unworthiness
• Difficulties in relationships – fear of abandonment or difficulty trusting others
• Avoidance of emotional or physical intimacy Healing attachment wounds:

Let’s return to the question: How have your early experiences contributed to your understanding of nurturance, safety, love, and support? If you reflect on this question, and you identify different attachment wounds, it is important to remember that attachment wounds can be identified and healed. By attending to these wounds, a person can strengthen self-worth, emotional stability and interpersonal relationships.

The first part in the process is identifying and acknowledging the wound. Here are some questions to get you started.

• How would you describe your relationship with your parents or primary caregivers when you were a child?
• How did your caregivers respond to your needs when you were distressed or upset?
• How comfortable are you with relying on others in times of need? Do you find it easy or difficult to ask for help?
• How easy or difficult is it for you to open up and share personal feelings with a partner or close friend?
• Do you often worry about being abandoned or rejected by those you are close to?
• When conflicts arise in your relationships, how do you typically respond?
• Do you often seek reassurance from your partner or loved ones that they care for you or that everything is okay in the relationship?

Secondly, identify how those early attachments have impacted your thoughts, emotions, and reactions within relationships (friendships, intimate relationships, caregiving relationships). Therapy can be helpful in uncovering action systems that have developed. Deany Laliotis, LICSW explores adaptive action systems and how they develop over time. If someone grows up with caregivers who are inconsistent, dismissing, or avoidant they often experience defensive action systems where they are consistently assessing for danger or threat. For those individuals with secure attachments, this system is activated when needed and then they return to a baseline of security and safety. If a person has developed insecure attachments, they are more activated to sense danger (even if not in actual danger) to ensure survival. This then contributes to unhealthy behaviors within relationships.

Next, the goal is to identify ways to treat oneself with love and care. Remember the current patterns of behaviors that occur are related to early attachment which you did not have control over. Work on self-compassion and acknowledging automatic thought patterns.

Finally, Deany Laliotis, LICSW notes that therapy involves developing alternative strategies for future challenges. Relationships inherently have joyful, loving moments and also challenging, hurtful aspects. The goal is to identify different ways of acknowledging and accepting each moment for what it is without engaging in patterns of behaviors that have been learned over time.

Conclusion:

Think back to the question that was proposed at the beginning of the blog: How have your early experiences contributed to your understanding of nurturance, safety, love, and support? If you feel like your attachments to others involve avoidance, fear of abandonment or consistent reassurance seeking, then working with a therapist can help to strengthen emotional regulation systems and develop alternative, flexible, and adaptive behavioral patterns.