Teaching Kids Emotion Regulation Sets Them Up for Success as Adults
Recently, I’ve been listening to an audiobook version of The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. While I have a lot of thoughts about the book, something I listened to recently has been rattling around in my brain, especially when I think about the work that I do.
In Chapter 6 of the book, Robbins talks about emotional maturity in relationships, and the start of that conversation is emotion regulation in children. Robbins talks about her research into the concept and the knowledge that strong emotion regulation skills in childhood are more likely to lead to emotional maturity in adulthood. We hear a lot about “emotion regulation” these days when it comes to children and teens. I’ve heard a lot of people, both parents and non-parents alike, wondering why emotional maturity is so important, or what it even is. Robbins makes a really good point that I think helps explain why emotional maturity is both so important and so confusing:
“Most people don’t know how to process their emotions in a healthy way, much less communicate their needs in a direct and respectful fashion. … The truth is that no one has been taught how to do this. To handle your emotions, you have to understand them and know how to process them in a healthy way. … Emotional maturity isn’t something you’re born with or that just happens. It’s a skill that takes time, practice, and a desire to learn.” – Mel Robbins, The Let Them Theory, Chapter 6, page 111
I really appreciate the way Robbins phrased this idea, because I think it’s really helpful for understanding the connection between emotional maturity and emotion regulation. Emotional regulation can be thought of as the way that we understand, manage, and cope with our emotions. It involves a wide array of skills and is critical for forming healthy relationships with other people. Dr. Lisa Firestone of Psychology Today highlights that children are constantly processing the world around them and trying to figure out how it works, and the primary way they do this is through the emotions they experience in response to the world around them. Children are capable tiny humans, just trying to learn how to navigate the world around them. And sometimes, they need our help.
Both Robbins and authors at the Child Mind Institute highlight the idea that children look to the caregivers in their life to help them regulate their emotions and teach them how to do it themselves. When children “throw tantrums” or become emotionally overwhelmed, until they’ve learned the skills to manage their emotions or communicate with their caregivers about what they need, that may be the only tool that kids have for navigating having an overwhelming and confusing wave of feelings.
So how do we teach children to regulate their emotions and be more emotionally mature? There’s a few things you can do to start:
1. Show your children what emotion regulation looks like by doing it yourself! When you are feeling a “big feeling,” as we often call it with kids, use the skills you’d like your child to use. Take deep breaths, say what you need out loud (i.e. “I need a break for a moment”), and ask for support from others (i.e. “hey, I’m feeling really sad, can I have a hug?”). Children learn by watching their caregivers and copying what they do. So if you use emotion regulation skills yourself, chances are that your children will start to pick up on it too!
2. Give your children chances to practice emotion regulation skills when they are not feeling big feelings. There are lots of ways to wiggle this into the play you already do with your child! When playing pretend or playing with toys, ask your child how they think a character or a toy feels about a situation. How can they tell? What would the character be doing that makes the child think they’re feeling what they’re feeling? Don’t be afraid to help your child learn new emotion vocabulary terms through this too! It may seem or feel silly, but it’s a great opportunity to help your children learn how to do this in moments when they don’t need it as strongly.
- Example: “It seems like Mr. Fox is really sad! His head is hanging low and his face is pouting. Why do you think he’s sad?”
3. Make sure that you create a space where all emotions are safe to express, whether they’re “good” or “bad.” In order to help children regulate their emotions, they have to be able to experience their feelings, both the “good” and the “bad.” If your child is happy, you can join in their happiness! If your child is afraid or sad, you can encourage them to express their feelings and provide them with comfort. If your child is angry, you can help them understand why they’re angry and provide them with healthy ways to express that anger. The more comfortable children become with their emotions, the more likely they’ll be able to learn how to manage any feeling that comes their way.
If you’re interested in learning more about how to teach children about emotion regulation, there are a whole host of resources available for free online! A few of the articles I referenced in writing this are linked below in the references of this post.
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