What Makes a Good Apology?

 

There’s been a meme floating around on the internet that talks about the “hardest things to say in the English language.” In some versions of this joke, words like “Worcestershire sauce” and “rural” are front and center. In other versions, things like “I was wrong,” “I need help,” and “I’m sorry” are the content of the joke. Either way, it becomes one of those “this is downright funny” moments or one of those “it’s funny because it’s true” moments. While I’ll admit I’ve laughed perhaps too hard at the variety of ways people have come up with to say “Worcestershire,” as the old saying goes, “all humor has an element of truth,” and this is no exception.

We’re taught from a young age that we should say “I’m sorry” when we hurt someone’s feelings, do something wrong, or make a mistake. As kids, “I’m sorry” is often the whole of an apology. We see it in kids shows and family movies all the time. Those two little words are often the only thing that precedes an emotional swell of background music and a tear-jerking hug. But when it comes to our real-life conflicts, hurts, and misdeeds, simply saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t work past a certain age. Most of us have likely had moments where we thought we had apologized for something and the other person responded in a way that made it feel like we’d said nothing at all. Or someone says “I said I was sorry!” but that pit of anger and continued hurt still builds in our chest. As frustrating as either of these types of situations are, there is a rather approachable way to address both of them.

While we are taught to apologize from a young age, most of us are not taught how to apologize or what makes a good apology. In one of my communications classes in my undergrad, we had an entire class session dedicated to apologies and the “anatomy of a good apology.” I remember hearing the formula laid out and feeling a fundamental shift in my brain, like a missing piece of a puzzle had been dug out from the couch cushions and put back into place to make the picture whole again. When I shared with my loved ones what I’d learned, they were equally surprised and confused. The number of “wow that makes so much sense” conversations I had during that semester (and the following ones) showed me a dramatic failure in how we’re taught to communicate with one another. During my clinical work thus far, I’ve seen a similar pattern repeat: clients who either want to apologize but feel that their words are falling flat or they don’t know how, and clients who have heard “I’m sorry” but still feel something’s missing and are second guessing if they’re “just being ridiculous.” Learning how to genuinely and healthily apologize is not something we’re taught by default. And by not having that information, we can unintentionally cause a lot of hurt to the people around us. The good news is that a good, healthy apology is surprisingly easy to do. It has a very straightforward formula that I’m going to spend the rest of this post walking through so you can use these ideas right away.

A healthy, quality apology has 5 steps:

1. Express specific remorse
2. Explain without excusing
3. Take responsibility
4. Commit to prevention/repair
5. Make a change

Step 1: Express Specific Remorse:

Expressing remorse is the part of an apology we’re most familiar with–those two magical little words “I’m sorry.” Remorse at its core is expressing to someone that we feel bad about something that happened, something we said, or something we did. It is essentially saying “I feel bad about this,” and that admission alone is really important in a quality apology. Admitting that you feel bad about something indicates to the person or persons you’re apologizing to that you understand that whatever the situation is has caused them some type of discomfort, hurt, pain, or frustration. This is really where most of our education on apologizing stops as children. You’ll notice however that this step isn’t titled “Express Remorse;” it’s “express specific remorse.” Why? Because simply saying “I feel bad about this” isn’t enough.

When we’re talking about specific remorse, that means we need to address the situation we’re apologizing for directly and with detail. Often, this can look like mentioning a) how the person told you the situation made them feel, b) specific information about what you did, or c) specific information about the outcome of your action(s). The key is to mention directly what happened and the impact that it had, because that gives our remorse meaning. It anchors it. There’s a big difference between saying “I’m sorry that happened,” and “I’m sorry that they didn’t listen to you.” This part of apologizing can get a little tricky because for it to be healthy and effective, it absolutely must fold in with steps 2 and 3.

Step 2: Explain Without Excusing

Have you ever heard an apology like this?

• “I’m sorry that you were upset that I didn’t call you back. I was really busy and I just didn’t have time.”
• “I’m sorry that you got upset. I was just trying to be honest with you about how I feel.”
• “I’m sorry that I hurt you. But I was really stressed out and overwhelmed and I just need you to be more understanding of that.”

All of the examples above demonstrate the idea of excusing, not explaining. This difference may seem small, but it is really important.

Excusing means trying to remove blame from someone or something, to forgive someone or something entirely, or to disregard something as trivial. It essentially means wiping away any blame or accountability, and in an apology, that often lands as incredibly hurtful.

Explaining, in contrast, means trying to make something known or understandable, to give the reason or cause for something, or to show the logical development of something. Notice that explaining has nothing to do with blame, disregarding, or forgiveness. It has to do with making something clear or, said another way, giving something context.

When we are apologizing, explaining why we did what we’re apologizing for or where we were coming from can be a really helpful tool to build closeness, repair, and understanding. It can help the other person see what our intentions were, while we are simultaneously taking responsibility for the impact our words or actions had regardless of our intentions (more on that in a minute). When you’re apologizing, giving some information about where you were coming from can be helpful, but it is important to keep it brief, objective, and focused on providing understanding to the other person, not a relief from guilt or blame for yourself.

Step 3: Take Responsibility

I mentioned above that the point of explaining in an apology is to explain our intentions without dismissing the impact we had on someone else. That’s where taking responsibility comes in. There is a myth that our intentions are the thing that matters most when we communicate with others or in how we treat others, but that’s just exactly that–a myth. At the minimum, intention and impact are equally important in a situation, but if it comes down to which one is more important in interpersonal conflicts? Impact will win out every time. Why? To understand that, we have to be sure we’re clear on what intent and impact are:

Intent or Intention refers to what someone is thinking or feeling during a given moment. It is often the thing that is motivating someone to say or do something, or the reason they did or said what they did. It lies solely within the person who did or said the thing being discussed, and it is purely subjective. The only person who knows what your intentions are is you. Other people can guess or make assumptions, but only you really say one way or another.

Impact, however, is very different. It refers to how something that is done or said makes the other person or persons feel. It is about how the person you’re interacting with perceives what you’ve done or said. Similar to intent, it is also purely subjective, but it lies solely within the person who had the thing done to or said to them. The only person who truly knows what the impact of something is, is the person who had the thing done to them. If we use empathy, we can sometimes get a good idea as to what the impact of something was, but only the person receiving the words or actions can truly say one way or another.

One of the most common places this idea of intent versus impact arises relates directly to apologies. How often have you been in or witnessed a conversation where someone said “but that wasn’t what I meant,” or “I didn’t mean it like that,” or “you’re overreacting, it’s not that big of deal”? All three of those phrases are good warning signs that there’s been a disconnect between someone’s intent in what they’ve done or said and the impact of their words or actions. I’m going to say this next part gently because I recognize how hard it is to hear: when it comes to a healthy apology, your impact will always outweigh your intentions.

If I say to a friend that I don’t think the idea they proposed is smart, my intention may be to come up with a better idea, to highlight something I think they may be missing, or to look at all our options before making a decision. However, what my friend will likely hear is that I’m insulting their idea, and maybe even insulting them by calling their idea (or them) stupid or dumb. Was that at all what I meant to say? No, of course not! But it is how my friend felt. And when we’re apologizing, we’re focused on the impact or effect on the other person, which means I need to take responsibility for how my words or actions affected them. This can be really challenging when we genuinely don’t think we did anything wrong. But again, this is where we need to remember the intent of an apology: to reconnect and repair. We need to focus on the other person’s experience, not our own.

Taking responsibility when apologizing often comes right alongside explaining without excusing. It usually involves directly addressing your own words or behavior, “I” statements, and/or something about how the other person felt. You may say something like:

• “I’m sorry that I hurt you…”
• “I’m sorry I made you feel ignored…”
• “I’m sorry that I didn’t understand…”
• “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you how you needed me to be…”

The key thing in all of these examples is that it is focused on the impact of the situation, not the intent. It takes responsibility for the effect that the words or actions had on another person. It also does not bring up the idea of whether the other person is right or wrong for feeling the way they do, because, quite simply, there’s no reason to bring that up because there is no right or wrong way to feel. Feelings are wholly subjective. What may be a perfectly reasonable reaction to a situation for one person may feel entirely ridiculous to another. That’s why the focus is on what the other person experienced, because that is true for them. And when we genuinely care for someone else, the impact we have on them becomes important to us, even if it doesn’t match what we intended.

Step 4: Commit to Prevention/Repair

This is one of many people’s favorite steps of an apology because it is future focused and the most concrete part of the repair process. When we are making a commitment to prevention or repair, we are identifying an action step that we could and will take moving forward to prevent causing the same hurt or situation from arising again. This can be something small or something more substantial, depending on the situation. What matters here is that it is again focused on our behavior: what we will or will not do or say. It is something that we have to own on an individual level both because that communicates that we understand how what we did or said affected the other person, and it communicates that we want to affect them in a more positive way in the future. For many people, just hearing that someone both wants to do something different next time and that they have an idea of what they might do can be a huge source of comfort.

Whatever your plan is for prevention and/or repair, it should have the following elements:

1. Be specific to the situation that happened

• If the thing that hurt your partner was not calling when you said you’d call, promising to send them flowers isn’t going to prevent the hurt from repeating because flowers have nothing to do with the cause of the hurt: not communicating and not keeping your word. A better alternative would be committing to sending a text if plans have changed and you can’t call at that time anymore so you can find another time to talk and so your partner feels communicated to.

2. Be focused on you: your actions, your words, your responsibility

• Saying “if this happens again, you can call me out on it” is not a good prevention/repair plan because it puts the pressure and burden on the other person. That can often feel like you’re not only not acknowledging their pain, but now there’s pressure being added on top of the pain. A better alternative would be saying what you are going to do differently and letting the other person know that if you don’t take that action step in the future, you will be open to and hold space for them to bring that up if they feel comfortable doing so.

3. Be doable and rooted in reality

• Saying that you will never, ever hurt someone again is not a good plan for repair or prevention because it isn’t something you can actually commit to. Your plan should be concrete, doable, and grounded. A better alternative would be saying that you are going to take a concrete action step and try to make that your new normal for how you interact on whatever the situation being discussed is.

4. Be negotiable

• Your plan for repair should not only hold space for input from the other person or persons involved in the situation, it should invite their input. This communicates that you want to collaborate with them and that you want their feedback. It shows that your interest is in meeting their needs and working together to prevent pain, not in making assertions or demands that ignore the other person(s) needs, wants, and feelings. Adding a statement like “would that be something that would feel better in the future?” or “is there anything I’m missing that would be helpful?” or “is there anything that I mentioned that wouldn’t be helpful?” does wonders for making the conversation collaborative, fair, and compassionate.

Step 7: Make a Change

This is sometimes the hardest and most overlooked part of an apology, but it is no less important than any of the other 4 steps because what we do or say after the apology is what gives our apology real, genuine weight. How we change our behavior, or don’t change our behavior, shows the sincerity of our remorse, repair plan, and commitment to the repair in real time. When we follow up an apology with action that shows we’re trying, that tells the other person that we really meant what we said: we truly cared how they felt, we truly wanted to do things differently, and we truly were committed to doing something different to repair the relationship.

I’m sure most of us have had an experience where someone apologized for something, but then they did the exact same thing pretty soon afterwards. When that happens, it’s common to feel even more hurt than the first time the behavior took place. Why? Because someone went through the effort of apologizing, but didn’t follow through with their apology in their behavior, which makes it very difficult for that apology to feel sincere.

Now there’s a very important caveat here: making a change is not about never making that mistake again, it’s about making some concrete, noticeable change in how you approach the situation. For example, maybe you manage to do what you said you would in your repair plan a few times, but you miss a couple opportunities to enact that plan along the way. By acknowledging that you’re trying but you also see how you missed some of those chances, that still demonstrates commitment to repair. It isn’t about perfection, it’s about concrete, observable effort. Trying your best to make changes, and holding space for acknowledging and letting the other person(s) in the relationship call attention to when the hurt is repeated shows commitment to growth and change. It’s that demonstration of commitment that makes such a big difference for the person(s) we’ve hurt.

Putting it all Together:

Now that we’ve walked through what makes a good apology, let’s look at some examples of these principles in practice. I’m going to give three examples of situations where someone may need or want to apologize, an example of an apology that could be improved, and an example of an apology that incorporates all 5 of the elements we just discussed.

Example 1: A parent snaps at their child for making a mess of the living room.

• Apology that could be improved: “I’m sorry I yelled, but you know better than to leave your toys everywhere like that.”
• Quality Apology: “I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier today. I was feeling really stressed about how messy the house is, but that wasn’t an excuse to talk to you like that. I know that I scared you, and that wasn’t okay. Next time, I’m going to try to catch myself when I’m stressed and take a deep breath before I talk to you about what’s going on.”

Example 2: Someone misses a deadline on an important project for work.

• Apology that could be improved: “Sorry the deadline got missed, but I had so much on my plate and no one reminded me.”
• Quality Apology: “I missed the deadline for the portion of the project I was assigned, and I’m sorry I left you hanging. I’ve had a lot of responsibilities on my plate, and I didn’t get this done by the time I promised I would. I’ve blocked time on my schedule tomorrow to focus on this and get caught up, and I’m working on a new system of reminders so I can avoid losing track of tasks like this in the future.”

Example 3: Someone bails on scheduled plans last minute.

• Apology that could be improved: “Sorry I bailed, but you know how tired I get. You should’ve known I probably wouldn’t make it.”
• Quality Apology: “Hey, I’m sorry I bailed on our plans last minute like that. I was really exhausted, and I didn’t feel like I had the energy to hang out, but I know that made you feel like our time together isn’t important to me, and I’m sorry. Next time we make plans, I’m going to look more closely at what’s on my plate so I can be more mindful of the energy I have when we set things up so that I show up when I say I will.”

You’ll notice for each of these there isn’t the “make a change” portion included. That’s because the change comes after the verbal apology. However, you can see in each apology’s commitment to prevention/repair what the action steps may be: taking a deep breath before speaking when stressed, setting up reminders for tasks and projects, and being more intentional in when plans are made and following through when they are.

The core thing to remember about apologies is that the intention behind an apology is to repair and reconnect with someone. You don’t have to “get everything right” or “be perfect,” you just have to do your best, show you care, and be open to feedback from the other person(s). Like any skill, apologizing effectively in a relationship takes time, practice, and intention. The more you do it, the easier it will get. And while I’m not much of a betting person myself, I feel pretty confident that if you start trying out some of these strategies when you apologize to your loved ones, they’ll notice a difference in your approach, and you’ll notice a difference in how those conversations play out in the long run.

A quality apology can change the way you connect with the world. If you need a safe space to work through life’s conflicts and find a path forward, BHC is here for you. Reach out to our team today at 855.607.8242 or appointments@bhclinic.com.